


Leaving Childhood Behind - Meta on Buffy The Vampire Slayer - Episode S4 - Restless

by shadowkat67



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Episode Related, Episode: s04e22 Restless, Essays, Gen, Meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-13
Updated: 2009-07-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:54:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 18,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22390606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowkat67/pseuds/shadowkat67
Summary: The dream is often used in film, television, and literature to show us a glimpse of the characters' interior lives, what they are thinking, what they fear, it also can be used to foreshadow future events. In Restless - our fab four's dreams do all of the above, they also depict the strengths and weaknesses of each of the Gang. As has been pointed out on numerous occasions, the fab four represent four key strengths of the slayer : animus (heart), spiritus (spirit), sophus (intellect), and maus (hand). It's a bit like a band: drums, bass, vocals/composition, rhythm piano. You need all four to make music and you need all four to defeat monsters. But in life, there comes a time in which you need to define yourself separate from the band and find a way of incorporating all four in yourself - as the members of The Beatles did with differing results. Apocalypse Now states somewhat the same thesis - Willard knows from the outset that there will come a time in which he will have to act alone, he may even have to fight against his companions. Buffy realizes the same thing, but resists this knowledge, in the same manner that John Lennon may have resisted it for a while
Relationships: Tara Maclay/Willow Rosenberg, Xander Harris/Anya Jenkins
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1
Collections: March Meta Matters Challenge





	1. Introduction & Part I: Willow's Dream

**Author's Note:**

> Note # 1. The Apocalypse Now reference in Restless is not about Spike or Willow, it's about Buffy. In the movie Lt. Willard is on a boat with a group of companions, one is a seasoned skipper, one a young rookie, one a fairly intellectual type who appears to read a lot and hates violence, and a farm fed surfer boy. During the journey, each of these companions is slowly stripped away from him. The first to go is the young/hellbent rookie. Then - the seasoned captain. Finally Willard is left with two companions - the intellectual and the surfer boy when he enters Kurtz's domain, the Heart of Darkness. The intellectual is killed off. The surfer boy joins Kurtz's band. Willard is alone at the end with Kurtz and leaves the jungle more or less alone. (I'm not positive - but I think the surfer boy leaves on the boat with him after Kurtz is killed, changed by the experience as well. But the surfer boy in no way aids him in his battle with Kurtz or the darkness. The two are separated and remain more or less separated even as they travel back down the river together. No longer companions so much as just fellow travelers.)
> 
> Note #2: It is important to note that two episodes before Restless - in the Yoko Factor - our gang was successfully split apart by innuendos spread by Spike. The innuendos he uses to split them apart relate to their life goals, significant others, and insecurities about how each of the others see them. They only get back together in Primeval because of Spike. He hints to Buffy that he spoke to each of them and that is the reason they split apart. Spike, however, knows something the Scooby Gang don't - that he really had nothing to do with it. As Spike puts it in his speech to Adam - their split is inevitable. It's not a matter of if, so much as when. (Edited for length. Yoko Factor, Btvs Season 4)
> 
> Spike: It's, uh . . called the Yoko Factor. Don't tell me you've never heard of the Beatles? The point is, they were once a real powerful group. It's not a stretch to say they ruled the world. And when they broke up everyone blamed Yoko, but the fact is the group split itself apart, she just happened to be there. And you know how it is with kids. They go off to college, they grow apart. Way of the world.
> 
> Yoko Factor is the key to understanding the dreams in Restless. In Yoko Factor, each character states to the others their fears and Spike expertly picks at them and forces them to the surface, using them to break the gang apart. Here are the insecurities in the order of the analysis:
> 
> 1\. Willow: Spike indicates that Xander and Buffy think she's being trendy and into the new thing, you know "wicca". Willow - sees that as meaning Tara. And states very clearly two important lines: "It's not today! Buffy, things have been wrong for a while! Don't you see that?" and " Well, they certainly haven't been right, since Tara. We have to face it. You can't handle Tara being my girlfriend."
> 
> 2.Xander: Spike indicates to Xander that his friends think he's an idiot who wouldn't make it in the army. And Xander states three important lines: "No! It was bad before that! Since you two went off to college and forgot about me! Just left me in the basement to-- (turns on Willow in shock) Tara's your girlfriend?" "And if I did join the Army, I'd be great! You know why? 'Cause they might give me a job that couldn't be done by any well-trained border collie." " (to Buffy) Just because you're better than us doesn't mean that you can be all superior!"
> 
> 3\. Giles: Spike tells Giles that she no longer needs him, treats him like a retired librarian without a job. Giles gets drunk.
> 
> 4\. Buffy - Spike doesn't try with Buffy, he knows she can see through him. But Buffy - says two things, first I'll do it alone and second, I always knew there was never a prophecy about a chosen one and her friends. Then Willow says a very important line: "Oh, great. And then when you have your new "no arms" we can all say "Gee, it's a good thing we weren't there getting in the way of that!"
> 
> Remember these lines, because these are what's in our characters heads when they do the Primeval spell and call on the essence of the first slayer and these are the insecurities the first slayer uses against them in their dreams. At the heart of each statement is the character's own deep fear of inadequacy, a fear that echoes our own.
> 
> Note #3: BC&S = Buffy Cross & Stake fan-board, it no longer exists. Was active from 1990s-2008. Set up by Angelx, and was a spoiler fan board for BTVS. All Things Philosophical Board aka APTOBTVS Board does still exist and is maintained by Masquerade. It was a non-spoiler board focused on meta, discussion and analysis.

Introduction: Leaving Childhood Behind  


In the beginning of Restless, our gang is still happily ensconced in the comfort of the old days, of childhood, when they joined forces, defeated the monster and returned hand in hand to their nice safe haven to unwind. Comfort TV at it's best. They are in fact ensconced in front of one. Their safe haven? Buffy's house. Buffy's Mom has just provided them with treats. Riley has just left to be debriefed. Tara, Anya and Spike are nowhere in evidence. It is the "fab four" - without any of those annoying little things that almost split them apart in the Yoko Factor, such as new friends, jobs, or annoying significant others that don't quite fit in with the group. They just joined their essences to save the world for the hundredth time. They are wired and the scene is reminiscent of the good old days of high school.

Then they put in the tape - and it is telling that the tape they decide to watch is Apocalypse Now - which Xander describes as "a gay romp" and Willow describes as "heart-of-darkness-y". They barely make it past the FBI Warning label before falling fast asleep.

The dream is often used in film, television, and literature to show us a glimpse of the characters' interior lives, what they are thinking, what they fear, it also can be used to foreshadow future events. In Restless - our fab four's dreams do all of the above, they also depict the strengths and weaknesses of each of the Gang. As has been pointed out on numerous occasions, the fab four represent four key strengths of the slayer : animus (heart), spiritus (spirit), sophus (intellect), and maus (hand). It's a bit like a band: drums, bass, vocals/composition, rhythm piano. You need all four to make music and you need all four to defeat monsters. But in life, there comes a time in which you need to define yourself separate from the band and find a way of incorporating all four in yourself - as the members of The Beatles did with differing results. Apocalypse Now states somewhat the same thesis - Willard knows from the outset that there will come a time in which he will have to act alone, he may even have to fight against his companions. Buffy realizes the same thing, but resists this knowledge, in the same manner that John Lennon may have resisted it for a while.

Part I : Willow's Dream : A Trial of Spirit

Willow has always fascinated me, partly because she was me in school as my dear old mother recently reminded me. (Dang! I so wanted it to be Buffy. And something tells me so did Willow.) Her dream on the surface appears to focus on her fears, both real and imaginary. Yet, when we dig deeper, we start to see other things, small, apparently inconsequential things come to the surface.

Let's start with Tara. Tara is an interesting character - but oddly underdeveloped. It wasn't until Season 5, that we ever really got a sense of her. At first I thought this was a fault in the writing, now I'm beginning to wonder if it might not have been deliberate. She seems to mainly be used as a guide or to represent the spirit in Restless.

When the dream opens - Willow is in her dorm room writing in Greek on Tara's back. First: "Tara's nakedness is a sign to us of her truthfulness and lack of costume. While Willow, (as you will see) worries about her 'costume' and her part in the play, Tara appears as someone with no hidden motives. All she is clothed in is a beautiful poem about love."(credit to the amazing Rahael on the ATP board.) Rahael went on to provide me with information on Sappho, the author of the Greek poem on Tara's naked back - "The fact that its by Sappho is equally significant. She lived in the island of Lesbos around 6BC. It appears that women in Lesbos had an unusual degree of freedom there. Sappho was famous as a great poet, though now we only have one complete poem, and many little fragments. A lot of the poems were about women's love for women, so hence the terms 'Sapphic' and 'Lesbian'. But Sappho appears to be bisexual." For more information on Sappho see : <http://www.tufts.edu/org/hellenic/kazazis/sappho.html>.

Linda De Lurker provided the translation of Greek poem on a thread in B C & Stake fan board, with the following section emphasized: "And if she does not receive my gifts, she will give; And if she does not love me, swiftly she will love; Even against her will." Linda states: "Willow only writes the first few lines on Tara's back. I always thought that it was a love poem to Tara…Tara is the one who left the "golden house of her father" to stay with Willow in FAMILY. Also there seem to be some references to Willow playing with Tara's memory." The references are definitely in those last few lines - which oddly enough aren't in the poem reproduced on the Sappho site, different translations? I think Btvs probably meant it to be the translation on their website, so I'll analyze it from that perspective. But before I do I want to reiterate - the point is Willow is like Sappho, in probably every way in this scene. And as is clearly stated in Yoko Factor, she is very uncomfortable with how her friends may be viewing this. Tara on the other hand, only cares what Willow thinks. Which is ironic - considering Willow uses magic in future episodes to control Tara. She doesn't do it to bend the other's wills so much.

"And if she does not love me, swiftly she will love, even against her will." We've seen Willow consider this approach in the past with OZ in Wild at Heart. She actually does it in Something Blue (on the SG, Season 4) and in All the Way (Season 6) on Tara. Using magic to make the world outside similar to the one in your head. This reminds me of that Twilight Zone episode where a little boy bends reality forcing his family and friends to conform to whatever is in his head. From the moment Willow meets Tara their relationship is founded on magic. It starts from an erotic power charge they get from blocking the Gentlemen in Hush. In fact if you closely examine most of the episodes regarding Willow and Tara - you'll see them practicing some form of magic. Willow is usually generating the magic and Tara is guiding or regulating it. Willow was pretty powerful before Tara - Something Blue certainly proved that. But unregulated. She couldn't control her magic. Tara supplies that control. With Tara's help and possibly moral compass - Willow is able to harness and control the magical forces within her. Only one problem with this - Willow is starting to rely on Tara to provide that compass, what happens if the moral compass or guide is stripped away? Will Willow choke on the emotional overload?

Another thing I'd like to point out about this scene is how they are lying: Tara is on the bed and Willow is over her, painting on Tara's bare back. They are side by side, dark and light lying together hand in hand. Tara is thought to be the light, the order in this relationship while Willow is the dark, murky, chaotic emotion. Odd. Up until Season 3, Btvs - I always thought of Willow as light. Peel the onion and we find Vamp Willow underneath in Dopplegangland in Btvs Season 3. Peel it again - and vengeance demon Willow in Something Blue, peel it again and we get DarkWillow in Tough Love, Season 5 and again and we get PowerWillow in Bargaining Part I Season 6. In each case, except Bargaining - Tara's magic was not present. The struggle here is not so much one between good and evil as much as one between order and chaos. Before we go on - there are two other mystics who bear comparing: Giles and Ethan. Ethan worships Chaos. Giles worships order. There is good and evil in both men. In Halloween (Btvs Season 2), what does Giles say when he discovers the source of the chaotic magic spell?

> Giles: Janus. Roman mythical god.  
>  Willow: What does this mean?  
>  Giles: Primarily the division of self. Male and female, light and dark.

In this episode, we see the path Giles did not take, but his chum did. Ethan Rayne. As he later states in a New Man (Btvs Season 4):

> Ethan: We used to be friends, Ripper. When did all that fall apart?  
>  Giles: The same time you started to worship chaos.

Back to Willow's dream. She is in her dorm room with Tara, safe. It is dark; they are on the bed.  


>   
>  TARA: I think it's strange. I mean, I think I should worry that we haven't found her name.  
>  WILLOW: Who, Miss Kitty?  
>  TARA: You'd think she'd let us know her name by now.  
>  WILLOW: She will. She's not all grown yet.  
>  TARA: You're not worried?  
>  WILLOW: I never worry here. (Smile) I'm safe here.  
>  TARA: You don't know everything about me.  
>  WILLOW: Have you told me your real name?  
>  TARA: Oh, you know that.(Willow smiles, reaches for something.)(Shot of a paintbrush dipping into ink jars.) They will find out, you know.(Shot of Willow's face.)About you.

What is fascinating about this scene is who appears to be in control and who really is. Willow is painting on Tara and appears to be inflicting her will on her submissive partner. Yet Tara is obliquely pointing out all sorts of troubling things to Willow - something she continues to do throughout Willow's dream. Who are you Willow? What is your name? Where are you going? Do you really think you can stay here forever? Willow believes she's safe in the room, just as she's safe in Buffy's house, she's safe with Tara - nothing can hurt her here. But Tara is pointing out that that is not true. (Following is edited for length.)

(The camera pulls back so we can see Tara is lying face-down on her bed, naked, and Willow is painting on her back.)  


>   
>  TARA: You've never taken drama before.(Shot of Willow dipping the paintbrush again, moving it across to Tara's back, which is covered with Greek symbols.) Might miss something important.  
>  WILLOW: I don't wanna leave here.  
>  TARA: Why not?  
>  (Willow stands up, looking down at Tara. She turns away toward a dark red curtain. Walks over to it.)  
>  WILLOW: It's so bright.(Pulls back the curtain to reveal a brightly sunlit desert. The light falls on Tara, who looks over.)And there's  
>  something out there.

Direct reference in the camera work to the light and dark in this scene: Tara is the light and Willow is the dark. (Willow stands up - looking down at Tara. She turns away toward a dark red curtain…When she pulls open the curtain - the light falls on Tara.) Willow opens the window - Tara is exposed to whatever is out there. Willow doesn't want to leave the room, doesn't want to leave the comforting darkness for the blinding light. Tara keeps telling her she has to. You have to exit into the light. But to do what? To take drama? Drama is class on artifice - role playing. You can hide on the stage behind a character or role. The audience doesn't see you. You're hidden beneath makeup and costums and wigs. Yet Willow fears her drama class, she is avoiding it. Why? Is it because she's already hiding, already role-playing? And who is Tara to Willow? Her lover? Her safe-haven?

The dream shifts to Xander and OZ who are portrayed in a high school setting. (Interesting Willow has gone back to high school to perform, her nightmare takes place in the high school setting, while the safe place is in a college dorm room.) Xander makes fun of Willow's magic to OZ as well as her relationship to Tara. "So whatcha been doin'? Doing spells? (To Oz) She does spells with Tara." Then later: "Sometimes I think about two women doing a spell ... and then I do a spell by myself." A sexual reference which relates back to the Yoko Factor where Spike tells Willow that Xander said her whole "wicca" thing with Tara was just dabbling. (Of course Spike is referring to the whole gay thing - which is what Willow clearly picks up on.) It wasn't important. It was "Trendy". And of course we know Xander is shocked that Tara is Willow's girlfriend. In the dream Xander almost appears to making fun of her. And in Season 6 - again we see Xander not really taking the magic thing all that seriously. In Older and Far Away - he actually suggests Willow try it. And in Once More With Feeling - he actually does one himself. He does however take her relationship with Tara seriously - at least in later episodes. It's magic he seems to shrug off. Neither appears to have a great deal of respect for magic, although in Xander's defense he really only plays with it twice: 1.Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered and in 2.OMWF. Both times it is the result of relationship insecurities. But Willow clearly perceives him as not taking her seriously.

Now we come to the most difficult part of the dream to analyze. The play. It is interestingly enough Death of A Salesman - which is about a salesman who is no longer at the top of his game. He has been at it too long and the world as well as his family have moved past him. But he refuses to give up his wonderful past and his own mighty image of himself - even if it means the destruction of his family and himself in the process. He refuses to see the world as it is. It is an ironic play about the death of a man's spirit, his hope. The irony is that it is the salesman who kills his spirit not the people around him. Willow is in a similar situation - she is in danger of killing her own spirit by her increased dependence on dark magic to make herself look better, to enhance her own image. She like Wily Loman in the play is relying on exterior elements to define her self-worth.

In her dream - the play is chaotic. There is no order. Although several characters repeatedly try to enforce order on the proceedings. Giles - the head honcho of order - as has already been established in Halloween and A New Man, is the director, but he appears to have no control. Willow attempts to instill order - by stating that this isn't Death of A Salesman - there's no cowboy in this play. But she is pushed aside and congratulated on her costume. What's interesting is Willow is the only one not in costume. Or so she believes. Willow at this point doesn't see herself as hiding.

Each of the characters in the play can be analyzed on at least two levels - first as archetypes and second what they reveal about the actual characters:

1.Buffy/Flapper Girl - she has been analyzed on several threads as Sally Bowles from Caberet -but the transcript describes her as dressed as the lead character in "Chicago": short straight black hair, short tight black dress. This is a dim blond named Roxy, who killed her lover, got arrested and made a big splash. Fame through murder. The classic femme fatal archetype, the ditz who gets away with murder. No brains - but boy can she kill you. I think Buffy actually fits this description far better than the Sally Bowels image, after all she did kill Angel right after Willow cured him. Who's having the dream? Willow. It is through Willow's subconscious that we see Buffy. Willow has always seen Buffy as not incredibly bright - remember Willow had to help her make it through high school. Also Willow may see Buffy as flitting from one man to the next, as being a "flapper" or gay chicky who just happens to be the hero. The super strong superhero who struggles with school. That cheerleader, us smart girls loved to hate. Buffy appears in three guises in Willow's dream: flapper, Buffy her pal, and the slayer. Also it is Buffy who rips away Willow's clothes and forces Willow to deal with the insecure girl underneath. It is also Buffy who tells Willow that her whole family is in the front row and that Willow is in costume, that her clothes and exterior image aren't real. "Ohmigod. The place is packed. Everybody's here! Your whole family's in the front row, and they look really angry. Your costume is perfect. Nobody's gonna know the truth. You know, about you."

2.Cowboy Guy/Riley. When Riley shows up in the dream, he tells Willow that he got to play Cowboy Guy. "Well, you showed up late, or you'd have a better part. (Smiling) I'm Cowboy Guy." Five lines later " I showed up on time, so I got to be Cowboy Guy." He says this twice. And Riley truly is "cowboy guy" as an archetype. The stalwart good guy in the white hat - who rushes to the rescue. John Wayne! Or Dudley Do-Right! With his white horse or rather helicopter, guns that well, don't work, and nifty devices. Yet - in the scene with Buffy and Harmony that later follows - he appears to be forsaking both women. Harmony is sobbing and Buffy is railing at him. (It could as easily be Spike as Riley in this scene. In fact, oddly enough Riley appears in Willow and Buffy's dreams but not Xander and Giles while Spike appears in Xander/Giles but not Willow and Buffy's - slight digression I know but worth noting for later. Especially since I think the two characters have been metaphorically combined somehow in the dreams, with the girls giving Riley dominance, and the guys giving Spike dominance - well that's a whole other essay by itself. End digression.) Cowboy Riley rides into town to find a man - a sales man (read dealer/ read Spike) and that is his sole purpose, after all he is John Wayne, rid the town of the villain and ride away leaving the women sobbing in your wake. Cowboy guy.

3\. Giles/Director - this is the only time Giles appears in Willow's dream and here his role is as director of a play that seems Puppet Show - I can see why she put him in the role in her head - Giles was the director of the variety show where poor Willow was forced against her will to perform way back in Season 1. She left that stage in terror just as she leaves this one. Giles also tells her : "Acting is not about behaving, it's about hiding. The audience wants to find you, strip you naked, and eat you alive, so hide." And that's what Willow is desperately trying to do throughout her dream, hide. Giles, she sees as the Director of this catastrophe as well as the one advising her what to do: hide. Makes sense when you think about it. After all wasn't it Giles who introduced Willow to magic? And isn't it through magic that Willow found the means to hide? To change her world by enforcing her own sense of order upon it?

4\. Harmony/Milkmaid and Vampire: Sweet & friendly surface with a biting nasty brat lurking below. Remember - in Graduation Day Part II - Willow mentioned the fact she'd miss Harmony? And wanted Harmony to sign her yearbook? Also when she sees Harmony in the alley - she lets down her guard long enough for Harmony to actually bite her? Harmony is sweet on the surface to Willow but biting underneath - sweet milkmaid, biting vamp. Here's her first line in Willow's dream: "Isn't this exciting? Our first production! I can't wait till our scene! I love you! Oh! (Hugs Willow. Suddenly drops the fake friendly act.) Don't step on my cues." (A poster, who I cannot remember the name of mentioned - that Harmony may also represent Willow's disapproving mother. She tells Willow not to step on her cues, just as Willow's mother pushes Willow repeatedly aside in Gingerbread (Season 3 Btvs.))

Tara continues to act as Willow's guide during this episode, flitting in and out, like a spirit guide. She reminds Willow that the play isn't the point. (What happens with Riley and salesman is not important - hmmm, are the writers trying to tell us that As You Were wasn't as important as it looked? Not sure. But I digress - that whole salesman scene with Riley/Buffy/Harmony reminds me of As You Were. Particularly Buffy's speech: "But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex, throw 'em in the sea for all I care, throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles, men with your groping and spitting all groin no brain three billion of you passing around the same worn-out urge. Men! With your ... sales!" Makes me think of Spike and Riley and Spuffy sex this season, but filtered through Willow's eyes. More evidence that Spike/Riley may be combined in the dream. And Willow remember is "gay now" - as she even states in Bloodties when Buffy states "no more men, don't need them", Willow - "preaching to the choir here.") Tara tries to tell Willow the point is: "Everyone's starting to wonder about you. The real you. If they find out, they'll punish you, I ... I can't help you with that." Who is the real Willow? Does Willow even know? She's so busy trying to hide it, that she may have lost track of it. Then Tara is suddenly gone and Willow is running from the first slayer again, until she runs smack into Buffy and this time it's high school Buffy. High School Buffy tells Willow she must have done something to make the slayer come after her. But Willow states: "No. I never do anything. I'm very seldom naughty." Then Buffy asks why she's still in costume. Willow and the audience are clueless. Until Buffy strips it off. "BUFFY: Oh, for god's sake, just take it off. (Spins Willow around and rips her clothes off.)(Shot of Willow in her nerdy schoolgirl outfit and long straight hair from BTVS first season. Holding some paper.)"

Poor Willow is now relegated to the role she played when she first met Buffy. The girl that Cordelia describes as getting to know the softer side of Sears. That girl is always present in Willow's head. Amy gets her to go out in Smashed by stating - "Or ... maybe ... you'd rather sit home all night, alone, like in high school." Willow would do anything not to be that girl, as she tells Buffy in Wrecked: "I mean ... if you could be ... you know, plain old Willow or super Willow, who would you be?" This is something Buffy can't understand - which Willow knows - Buffy is flapper girl and slayer girl…she doesn't see Willow. Tara does, but Tara and OZ in the last scene of Willow's dream are laughing sniggering. "OZ: (to Tara) I tried to warn you." And Xander is acting like she's unimportant, that what she does - doesn't even matter. And who put her front and center - who ripped off her costume? Buffy. And it's Buffy who does nothing to save her when the first slayer rips out her soul.

A few final dream points:

1\. Willow is doing a report on The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C. S. Lewis. As Willow herself states: this book has many themes, not just the obvious ones. It's a childhood book with a Witch and a Lion doing battle. The Witch is symbolic of Chaos while the lion, Aslan, represents order. When the Witch is in control -it is cold, white, demons reign, and the world is chaotic. Aslan by sacrificing himself, in a very Christ-like crucifixion scene, restores order to the chaos. Once again we have Janus - order/chaos. Another possible interpretation of this book was presented by leslie on the ATP board, and I almost prefer her analysis to mine: " Just within this dream, Willow and Tara have been discussing their shared pet, Miss Kitty--the "lion." Part of Willow's self-identity confusion revolves around her use of magic--the "witch." And even more so, around her anxieties about acknowledging her lesbianism--coming out of the closet, the "wardrobe." All of these are the things she shares with Tara, the things she earlier had said she liked having just to herself, not sharing with the SG--yet in her dream, she has to report on them to her whole high school class. Yet, although this part of the dream seems to cut to her most vulnerable aspect--dressed in her geeky high school clothes (high school never ends)--what she is actually saying to them, if they would only hear it, is that she is *not* this geek they see before them: she's a lesbian and a witch, she's powerful, and she doesn't need the men who have rejected her (Xander and Oz)." (Amazing post - and I think probably what the writers intended, since all they state is the title of the story and the line: this book has many themes. Also everyone interrupts her with laughter. I give full credit to leslie on the ATP board for this one.)

2\. The Bald Man Or Cheese Man- is also about enforcing a sense of order onto chaos. He mentions to Willow in the midst of the chaotic play: "I've made a little space for the cheese slices." (He shows her a table with slices of American cheese laid neatly in a row.) His little orderly place for the cheese Willow dismisses out of hand. Willow's dream is chaotic, restless, while on the surface Willow even in her dream appears to represent order, calm. [ It's also the nonsense bit in dreams...that Joss mentions in his commentary on the episode.]

3\. When the dream ends - Willow is literally choking on the chaotic emotions inside her, the order her spirit had imposed on them stripped from her by the first slayer.

In Willow's dream we see the duality of several characters. Buffy is both the ditzy flapper girl and the hard slayer saving her friends. Xander is the smart alec friend and the cruel classmate. Harmony is the sweet friendly milkmaid and the biting social climber. Riley is the Cowboy and the cardboard actor with no substance, rushing to the rescue but leaving chaos in his wake. Giles is the director attempting to install order yet losing control by his inability to understand the actors needs, the absentminded professor if you will. Tara is the spirit guide, kind supportive, yet also judgmental and forcing Willow to face what's inside. And finally Willow - Willow is the geeky nerdy girl doing the book report and the girl controlling Tara with a spell. Janus - the duality of male and female, light and dark lying side by side. Even Willow's book: the Lion, the Witch and The Wardrobe expresses this theme of dark and light - in the Witch (female dark chaotic) and Aslan - the Lion (male light order.) The question posed at the end of Willow's dream is will she be able to incorporate both or will the chaotic emotions boiling up inside destroy her spirit and consume her light?

Part of growing up is learning how to deal with past transgressions and one's identity, whether that be sexual, spiritual or mental. Willow has never figured out how to do this. She either bottles it up inside or lashes out. In fact - the source of her power, may be all those dark bottled up emotions boiling up inside her. Instead of dealing, she hides or represses under a sweet facade, bottling up even more.

On her journey - Willow slips into the pitfalls of Kurtz in The Heart of Darkness. Or the surfer boy in Apocalypse Now - who looks forward to the trip but can't deal with the pain he finds on the other side. Like Kurtz and the surfer boy, Willow is an idealist. She believes the world should be a bright and rosy place and worse, believes she has the power to make it so. She doesn't. The problem with trying to save the world - is sometimes it's a chore just trying to save yourself.

It's ironic really - because Willow always came across as the most moral and non-judgmental of the group. She accepted everyone - even Faith, at first. Her spirit held them together. But beneath all that - are some heavy duty fears that date back to her childhood. Like all of us, Willow has chaos/emotion and order/spirit battling inside her. She hasn't figured out how to incorporate them yet partly because she's still carrying her childhood on her back. As she puts it to Tara about Ms. Kitty -"I don't know…she's not fully grown yet. I have time. " In Willow's mind she has plenty of time. But does she? Really?


	2. Xander's Dream in Restless: Loss of Heart

What is that song - it just popped into my head as I'm writing this : "Gotta Have Heart?" Was never very good at remembering the lyrics to songs, but that phrase just won't let go. It's fitting though, because I think I remember hearing Xander singing this song in one of the episodes way back in Season 2.

Xander is all about heart. He may not have the brains, he may not have the stamina and he may not have the moral compass or spirit, but boy you have to give the guy credit - he has plenty of heart. Plenty of courage. And don't courage and heart go hand in hand? Xander describes himself as the "heart" of the group on more than one occasion. He isn't supernaturally inclined, but he can come through in the clinch, right? So what happens if Xander stops trusting his heart? Stops coming through in the clinch? Heart - animus - loyalty - courage - what if these are ripped from him?

If Xander's strength is his heart - then it is fitting that his dream begins with him and the gang watching "Apocalypse Now" which is based on a journey into The Heart of Darkness. Is this a journey into the darkness of Xander's heart? No, I think that may be too literal an interpretation. I think if anything it is about Xander wanting to go on the journey but being unable to due to his own lack of heart, inability to trust his heart. As a result he keeps ending up in the same place, his parent's basement.

In the beginning of Xander's dream - we are in the Summer's House. Only two of our fab four's dreams start here. And I think it's important that Xander's does. The Summer's House is Xander's safe haven, just as Tara's dorm room was Willow's. In Older and Far Away, Xander is somewhat reluctant to leave Buffy's House, even when the demon attacks him, I got the impression that he was happy there. And in Normal Again - it is Buffy's House that he returns to after leaving Anya and everyone for a couple of days. So we start in the safe haven watching what Xander refers to as a gay romp - the feel good movie of it's time: Apocalyspe Now. In the dream, no one is enjoying it, Buffy is bored and Giles feels it's somewhat overrated. Xander anxiously states that it gets better, he knows it gets better. Xander's province is film, he knows all about it. He gets his validation from this knowledge. And he desperately needs the approval of Giles and Buffy. Their disinterest about something as small as a movie he's rented for them, worries him. Then Xander notices there's something up with Willow - who appears to be twitching uncontrollably on the couch.

> XANDER:What's her deal? (indicating Willow)  
>  BUFFY: Big faker.  
>  GILES: (still looking at TV) Oh, I'm beginning to understand this now. It's all about the journey, isn't it?(Xander rolls his eyes.)  
>  XANDER: Well, thanks for making me have to pee. (Gets up)  
>  BUFFY: You don't need any help with that, right?  
>  XANDER: (heading for stairs) Got a system.

Buffy shrugs off Willow's dilemma- just as she shrugged in off in Smashed and later at the beginning of Wrecked. Both Xander and Buffy ignore Willow's dilemma but in different ways. Buffy shrugs it off as nothing. Xander notices it but chooses to do nothing about it - more concerned with his own situation. Throughout his dream, he constantly jogs past situations he'd rather not deal with. Ironic because up until now, I thought of him as courageously confronting the situation head on, guns blazing. Just like Willow before him, the writer shows us another side of Xander and he is not exactly what he appears.

When Giles tells Xander "it's all about the journey" - Xander immediately takes off to pee. Xander doesn't really want to go on a journey, he wants to stay in the safe haven. But Xander's journey begins the moment he tries to avoid it. Buffy offers to help, in a somewhat embarrassing context - but Xander turns her down. A sexual and emasculating reference. How many times in the past three years or six, if you like, has Buffy emasculated Xander? 1) She saves him from the praying mantis. Teacher's Pet. 2) She comes onto him in When She Was Bad - only to knock the wind from his sails, indicating it was just a game. 3) She pulls Larry off him, when he was trying to protect her from Larry in Halloween. 4.)She calls him one of the girls in Witch (Season 1). I think Willow is not the only one harboring a bit of resentment towards our superhero. Yet ironically, it is Buffy's house Xander considers his safe haven.

The first segment of Xander's dream takes place upstairs in the Summers House. This portion links to Buffy's dream. Both Buffy and Xander go upstairs. And both are told that everyone has left a long time ago. (We're not at Buffy yet - but remember the similarities between the dreams.) Once upstairs Xander runs into Joyce - Joyce acts as Xander's guide in the upstairs segment of his dream while later, we'll see Tara acts as Buffy's guide, just as Tara acted as Willow's. Both Joyce and Tara represent celestial mother figures or oracles. In Willow's dream Tara is sexually displayed on her bed and is asking her uncomfortable questions. In Xander's dream Joyce is wearing a red negligee and is asking uncomfortable questions - possibly echoing the desires in Xander's own mind.

If we want to follow the novel Heart Of Darkness - Joyce can also represent - Marlow's aunt. The first of three women that Marlow encounters on his journey to meet Kurtz. His aunt, described as a bright cheery woman, sends him off with good tidings, telling him to be careful, and make sure to wear the right clothing. She implies that he will send comfort wherever he goes. Here's Xander's scene with Joyce:

> XANDER: Hey Joyce. Mrs. Summers. (Takes a step closer) We're not making too much noise down there, are we?  
>  JOYCE: Oh, no. Anyway, they all left a while ago.  
>  XANDER: Oh, I should probably go catch up.  
>  JOYCE: (grins) I've heard that before.  
>  XANDER: I move pretty fast. You know, a man's always after-  
>  JOYCE: Conquest?  
>  XANDER: (shrugs) I'm a conquistador. (Pan across Joyce's breasts.)  
>  JOYCE: (we see her face and hear her voice, but her lips aren't moving) You sure it isn't comfort?  
>  XANDER: I'm a comfortador also.

Xander wants to be the "comfortador", yet he really tends to be all about the"conquest". As he states way back in Season 2 - "I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive." For Xander it has always been about conquest. He wins Cordy's heart only to finally become interested in Willow, who is suddenly unavailable. The great irony is that his latest conquest is a vengeance demon who excels at punishing men exactly like Xander. What a coup it would be to his ego to gain Joyce's heart. It certainly was a coup when he got to sleep with Faith (notice how he brags about it to Giles in This Year's Girl: "See, I can't be held responsible for the effect I have on women.You see, Faith and I have this little thing between us called history.") And of course later in Season 5 - he brags about Dawn having a crush on him and is highly annoyed that she likes Spike now. (Bloodties). _The Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered_ spell in Season 2 is classic Xander - he gets all these women who wouldn't look at him twice suddenly going for him. But he doesn't like it and his conscience surfaces, or his heart, and he runs. Just like he turns away from Joyce.

> (Shot of Joyce. Again we hear her voice although her lips don't move)  
>  JOYCE: Would you like to rest for a while? (Pan over to her bed with the covers turned down. Xander looks from it to her.)  
>  XANDER: Um, yeah. (Confidently) I'd like you. I'm just gonna go to the bathroom first.  
>  JOYCE: Don't get lost. (Slinks into her room.)

In this portion of the dream, Xander imagines Joyce wants him - her lips aren't moving - so at some level, Xander is cognizant of the fact that the real Joyce would never make these comments. Joyce also tells him that his friends are ahead of him, that "they all left a while ago." And warns him not to get lost. Xander at this point believes he can catch up.

He ends up in the Summer's Bathroom - which he thinks is safe, but instead it's the Initiative lab filled with military guys studying him. Is this a throwback to Xander's desire to be in the military? The only two characters that dream about the Initiative in any way are Xander and Buffy, perhaps because they both harbored an interest in joining it at one time? Or was that only Xander? When Xander nervously leaves the bathroom to find another - he finds himself in his parents basement - now the nightmare truly begins. Just as Willow's nightmare truly began the moment she re-entered high school. If Willow associates high school with hell, Xander associates his parent's basement with it:

(Now he's in his basement, dark. The door at the top of the stairs is closed, doorknob rattling ominously.)XANDER: (loudly) I didn't *order* any vampires.(Knob rattles louder and louder. Then we hear pounding on the door.) (nervous) That's not the way out. (Backing away)

His first response is that it's vampires - clearly something he both hates and fears. After all vampires have taken away his friend Jesse and got in the way of any relationship he might of dreamed of having with Buffy. He must have wondered over the years if it weren't for Angel, would Buffy have been interested in him? Clearly not - or she wouldn't have gone for Riley, Scott Hope, Owen and Parker. But I'm not sure Xander can ever fully understand this. Vampires - Xander associates with the basement. Yet - we get the impression that it's not vampires - Xander is really afraid of in this dream.

Speaking of vampires - we now have our first sighting of Spike. He didn't make an appearance in Willow's dream - but he does in Xander's. Xander has entered a playground, it is an extremely bright day, the sun is almost blinding and he sees Giles and Spike in matching tweed suits swinging while Buffy sits below them playing like a little girl in a sandbox. Interesting in both Xander and later Giles' dreams Buffy is represented as a child. Do they think of her in this matter? Or is she seen as stunted in both matters of heart and intellect? She hasn't fully developed these two skills? Could be all of the above. Both do tend to take on a sort of patriarchal role towards her, which is probably why neither will ever be romantically involved with her. Buffy doesn't want a father or a brother. She doesn't want to be taken care of. In the dream - she even calls him Big Brother - yes I believe this is partly Xander's fears speaking, but remember the dream is operating on more than one level - as foreshadowing and as part of Buffy's dream, they are all linked. But back to Spike and Giles:

> SPIKE: Giles here is gonna teach me to be a Watcher. Says I got the stuff.  
>  GILES: Spike's like a son to me. (They both smile and continue swinging)  
>  XANDER: That's good. I was into that for a while, but... (nods toward the street) I got other stuff goin' on.

Xander's reaction is interesting - instead of being angry about this, he seems to shrug it off. Which when we re-examine the events of the last year makes sense. He started off training to be a Watcher with Giles - back in The Initiative, but got bored of it quickly, moved onto pizza guy, then ice-cream truck guy, and by Season 5, has finally settled into construction. So Spike taking over this role doesn't really seem to bother him too much - since he didn't particularly like it that much to begin with. The reference about Spike being a son to Giles - also is interesting. Is Xander picking up on something the other's aren't? Is this just a fear? Remember we're still in Xander's dream. Perhaps Xander does catch from Giles a sense of fatherly interest in Spike - perhaps it's how Xander has explained Giles' reluctance to hurt Spike or for that matter reject Spike entirely in Season 4. Remember in Pangs - it is Giles' house Spike is invited into and it is Giles who takes Spike in. Also it is Spike who helps Giles in the New Man and Giles does return the favor in The I in Team. So maybe Xander is on to something?

> XANDER: (in playground) You gotta have something. (Looks at Buffy) Gotta be with movin' forward.  
>  BUFFY: (like a proud little kid) Like a shark.  
>  XANDER: Like a shark with feet and ... much less fins.  
>  SPIKE: (like a proud little kid) And on land!  
>  GILES: Very good!

Both Spike and Buffy are depicted as children in this segment of the dream with Giles as their father. They seem to sort of ignore Xander and his intent to move forward. That's nice, they say, go ahead and use children's analogies to understand it. The analogy they use is an interesting one - since it relates to at least four male characters in Buffy's life. First Riley - before he leaves Sunnydale in Season 5, he is told repeatedly by his friends that he must keep moving forward. He appears to have no purpose outside of being Buffy's boyfriend. Staying in Sunnydale stagnates him. Riley is also shark-like when he is first introduced - with dangerous drugs inside him and his last name is "Finn". The second - Spike -is also stuck right now between two worlds and needs to move forward. (We'll have to wait and see if he actually does.) He too can be described as a shark, with pointy teeth. The third - Giles - who was stuck in Season 4 and Season 5 and has finally moved forward in Season 6, leaving Sunnydale to begin a new life elsewhere. The fourth - Angel -left in Season 3 to start a new life and has moved forward. And all of their departures whether current, past, or possibly eminent are painful to Buffy = shark-like. The irony is that the only one who has not moved is Xander, yet he appears to be the one who is trying to. "Gotta be with movin forward." One can't help but wonder if Xander sees this trend? And if that is part of his nightmare, not being able to move forward no matter how hard he tries. Being stuck in the basement forever.

The final segment of this portion of Xander's dream deals with his brotherly concern for Buffy. It should not be confused with romantic concern.

> XANDER: Buffy, are you sure you wanna play there?(Buffy gives him a pouty look like a little kid told not to do something.)  
>  It's a pretty big sandbox.  
>  BUFFY: I'm okay. (Suddenly we see her against the backdrop of the desert from Willow's dream. Rocks, sand, scraggly trees) It's not coming for me yet.  
>  XANDER: I just mean ... you can't protect yourself from ... some stuff.  
>  (Buffy looks directly at him. The playground backdrop is back.)  
>  BUFFY: I'm way ahead of you, big brother.  
>  XANDER: Brother?

Buffy's right - it's how he's treating her in the scene. Like a brother. A big brother, an older brother -- he has in a way infantilized Buffy, diminished her. Gently suggesting she might not want to play there, but not overly concerned. A boyfriend would attempt to move her or would see her as older. Buffy is the only woman in Xander's dream who is not viewed as a sexual object. He views her chastely like a little girl or little sister. Powerless and needing his protection and oversight. Someone to protect, to cherish, but not to boink. Meanwhile Giles is telling Spike to put his back into it and swing harder - has Spike switched to the romantic role here - is this a sexual reference in regards to Buffy? Spike is also being placed in the role of a child in Xander's dream, on a playground, infantilized, rendered harmless or powerless. Except in this case under Giles' oversight or tutelage. Does this just continue the thread that Spike is being groomed to take Giles' place? 

Now we have Xander and Anya in the ice-cream truck. Remember the last time Xander was in the ice cream truck he and Anya had an argument about having sex? Anya thought he'd lost interest in her and he claimed he hadn't? Well - once again they are having an argument. Except this time Anya wants to know where they are going. He clearly has no idea. So she brings up the idea of getting back into vengeance because, hey that at least gave her some direction, some purpose.

> ANYA: I've been thinking about getting back into vengeance.(We see her playing with a lollipop in its wrapper.)  
>  XANDER: Is that right?  
>  ANYA: Well, you know how I miss it. I'm so at loose ends since I quit. I think this is going to be a very big year for vengeance.  
>  XANDER: But ... isn't vengeance kind of ... vengeful?

Not only does this scene foreshadow future events - it reveals some of Xander's fears regarding Anya. Again he has her almost childlike, petulant, depending on him. She is sucking on a lollipop. And suggests as a child might - I think I'll get back into vengeance. But he doesn't really appear to be taking her seriously. In his dream women appear to be either children or sex objects. Something Willow may have picked up on in her dream in which he discusses her magic with OZ in sexual undertones.

The next portion of the conversation reveals a great deal about Xander and how he views the world:  


>   
> ANYA: (petulant) You don't want me to have a hobby.  
> XANDER: Not a vengeance hobby, no! It's dangerous. People can't do anything they want. Society has rules, and borders, and an end zone. It doesn't matter if-(He hears giggling, turns.)(We see Willow and Tara in the back of the truck, snuggling and nuzzling. Both wearing exaggerated eye makeup.)Do you mind? I'm talking to my demon.

I think we glimpsed a side of Xander that we only guessed existed. He wants rules and order and believes they should exist. But hardly practices what he preaches. His whole speech to Anya is ironic. I want the neat little boxes, please. I want the world to make sense. He reminds me of the radio man who travels down the river with Willard in Apocalypse Now. The radio man who decides to go hunting in the jungle with Willard only to be scared witless by a tiger. The radio man who thinks the world has boundaries and discovers on his journey it doesn't and in a sense enjoys that - playing with the whores they meet in one place and helping the men on the boat shoot up another boat full of harmless people. He wants the boundaries - but hey I'm talking to my demon who I have sex with and notice it's "my" demon. Also notice how he has Willow and Tara dressed? Very seductively, almost like whores?

(Shot of Willow in a very short black bustier, Tara in a short black skirt and very revealing white blouse. Tara has one leg bent and Willow's hand is on her thigh. Both have heavy black eye makeup and thick red lipstick.) (Xander stares at them. Both girls smile seductively at him. We hear Tara's voice although her lips don't move.)  


>   
> TARA: We just think you're really interesting.  
> XANDER: Oh, I-I'm going places.  
> WILLOW: I'm way ahead of you. (Caressing Tara's leg.)(Closeup of Willow and Tara grinning at each other, nuzzling. Willow whispers in Tara's ear. They both giggle.)(Pan down to Willow's hand stroking Tara's thigh.)

Xander once again is indulging in sexual fantasy. But they are both painted rather darkly in his dream. Is this how he views lesbians? Willow certainly thought so - in her dream. What does Xander say in Willow's dream: "Sometimes I do a spell all by myself?" Also Willow suggests in Xander's dream that she is "way ahead of him". He may be moving forward, yet he appears to still be behind his friends. Buffy says the same thing in the playground scene: "I'm way ahead of you big brother." The difference is Willow is portrayed sexually in Xander's head while Buffy is portrayed as anything but. When they indicate he can join them - their lips don't move - indicating that on some level Xander knows it's not real, that they'd never want this, it's merely what he wants. But he does attempt to join them, leaving Anya behind to drive the car emphatically. It's the same thing he does in Hell's Bells, he leaves Anya to deal with the guests, to gesture emphatically. In his head - she doesn't appear to mind.

Of course they are gone and Xander is once more in his parents basement. He ends up there three times, each time circling back to it. This time, the pounding on the upstairs door is louder, but he doesn't face it, instead skips out the back door running smack into the cheese man who tells him the cheese slices won't protect him. Interesting Willow's cheese was about order, while Xander's appears to be about protection. Protecting what? What is Xander afraid of? Why does he keep fleeing his basement and avoiding the upstairs? What doesn't he have the heart to face?

Xander runs into Giles and Anya at the high-school, interesting, both Xander and Willow end up at Sunnydale high. In this portion of the dream, Xander is running from something, but he's not sure what it is. Giles and Anya try to help him but he can't understand them - they start speaking French - telling him that it's no time to play games and he has to come with them back to the house, everyone else has gone ahead. French - a language commonly taught in high school, also considered slightly elite, so this could be a metaphor about Xander's feelings of inadequacy? The fact that people are speaking above his head or intellect ? Giles and his friends using words he has yet to learn? Again the idea is that the others are way ahead of him, Xander is being left behind. All through Season 4 and part of 5, we get glimpses of Xander's fear of being left behind by his friends. HE didn't go onto College like Willow and Buffy. He's still living at home. He already feels left behind, both intellectually and emotionally. Now in his dream it appears to be physically.

Finally we near the end of Xander's dream - and it's back to the beginning, Apocalypse Now - the journey metaphor. Except in this scene he has reached the end of Willard's journey - he enters Kurtz' camp or the heart of darkness. Kurtz is portrayed by Snyder and the scene is shot exactly like a scene between Marlon Brando (Kurtz) and Martin Sheen (Willard) in the movie. Snyder like Joyce in the beginning of the dream is asking Xander some uncomfortable questions: Where are you from? Were you born there? Where are you heading? Who are you? And Xander's answers are interesting - he tells Snyder - he comes from his parent's basement - the very place he keeps trying to escape. He doesn't appear to know who he is, but he's not a solider. The solider metaphor is interesting because it links back to how Spike split him and the Scoobies up. Spike convinced Xander that the Scoobies were ashamed of his lack of direction. Made fun of his interest in the military and the military was the only place he could go. (The secret to Xander's dream may actually be what Spike used against him as I'm beginning to realize it could have been the answer to Willow's as well - Spike used the witchcraft and Willow's "lesbian" activities to split her apart from the Gang. She feels powerful about them - but is still worried about what the others' think. Xander feels the same way - he's proud of his military knowledge that he obtained years ago and his courage, but he also feels insecure about it and worries about what others' think.) Seeing this weakness, Snyder doesn't stop with the questions - he adds some difficult answers as well.

> SNYDER: Are you a soldier?  
>  XANDER: (shakes head) I'm a comfortador.  
>  SNYDER: (contemptuous) You're neither. You're a whipping boy. Raised by mongrels and set on a sacrificial stone.

Snyder snaps Xander's confidence in two. Just as Buffy snapped Willow's by forcing her out of the closet, stripping off her costume. (Except ironically in Willow's dream the costume was her witch/lesbian persona, the one underneath was the geek. In Xander's the costume he's wearing is the solider, underneath is the guy with the quick retort and the crazy shirts who keeps ending up in his parents' basement.)

'You're nothing', Snyder tells Xander. 'You're unimportant." It's important that it's Snyder doing it. An authority figure. Xander has always respected and struggled with authority figures. This is the principal of the high school. The second most abusive adult man in Xander's life next to his father. On top of which - Snyder never got a date in high school, Snyder was a geek, Snyder didn't have the heart to stand up to the mayor. Snyder is the hollow man. How does Xander reply? With a smart retort, Xander's method to handling everything - a smart alec retort. "I've got a cramp." "Thanks for making have to pee." "I was really happy when you got eaten by the snake." The next segment takes place outside Giles apartment where Giles and Anya and Buffy are trying to help Willow. But can't. The comments each makes is very appropriate to their characters at least in Xander's head:

> Buffy: I can fight anything right? (But can she, really? Can she fight a friend? A human? Perhaps this segment leaks into Buffy's dream?)  
>  Anya: Maybe we should slap her? (Looking for the simple approach. Or quick way out? It reminds me of how Spike handles Buffy's catatonia in Weight of the World.)  
>  Giles: It's more serious than we thought. (Giles is ignoring Xander in this scene in somewhat the same manner he ignores Willow in the last dream. He sees him, but is distracted by something more important.)

All of them are so focused on Willow's problem that they fail to see Xander who is once again running from the first slayer. HE ends up climbing through a window into Buffy and Willow's dorm room, then through a closet only to end up - you guessed it - back in his parent's basement for the third and final time. Interesting - once again the closet/wardrobe metaphor. Had it appear in two dreams now. Willow talking about the Lion, the Witch and The Wardrobe : Wardrobe/closet after her costume is ripped off? Now Xander climbing through the girls' clothes closet- only to end up in his parent's basement again? Both are running from the first slayer, on the surface their fears appear different - yet are they? Both are afraid of being unmasked. Willow - about the geek inside the powerful witch/lesbian. And Xander…what is it Xander is afraid of? The answer lies in the very last scene:

> XANDER: (whispers) That's not the way out. (The door bursts open. Xander looks down at himself, then back up the stairs.)  
>  VOICE: What the hell is wrong with you?(Xander looks chastised.)  
>  (We see a man silhouetted in the doorway above. It's Xander's dad.)  
>  DAD: You won't come upstairs? What are you ... ashamed of us? Your mother's crying her guts out!  
>  XANDER: You don't understand.  
>  DAD: No. You don't understand. (Starts down the stairs, stomping angrily) The line ends here with us, and you're not gonna change that.  
>  (Xander looking down, unable to look at his dad.)You haven't got the heart.

At first it looks like Xander is afraid of his father or the way his father feels towards him. But when you look at the scene again - it appears he is really afraid of being his father. Of going upstairs and taking on his parents' lives. He feels if he keeps moving forward he can avoid this, somehow. But all it does is take him back to where he started. He can't run from it. Until he has the heart to face his own future, he won't be able to move on. It's what Snyder tells him - you're not a solider, you're not a comfortador -you're a whipping boy. Until he can trust his heart, he will continue to be everyone's whipping boy, especially his parents. But he doesn't trust his heart - he doesn't like himself. He believes deep down inside that he was raised by mongrels and he will be sacrificed because he doesn't deserve anything else. His father is right - he's ashamed: of his family, of himself, of Anya (his "demon") and as a result he's trapped. He can't let go of his failed aspirations. "Gotta keep moving" he says over and over, and yet no matter how fast he moves - he can't catch up to his friends. His left behind. Why? As his father puts it, before the heart is pulled from Xander's chest - "You haven't got the heart."

Irony at it's best. Willow who is portrayed as spirit - is revealed to be without it. Xander who is portrayed as the heart - doesn't appear to have enough of one to move out of his parent's basement. Did the first slayer really remove these attributes or have Xander and Willow let go of them on their own?


	3. Giles Dream in Restless: Loss of Mind

Before I start my analysis of Giles' Restless Dream, let's flashback a few episodes to Yoko Factor. Before Spike comes into Giles' apartment in Yoko Factor to the Initiative's discs, Giles is singing "Freebird":

> Giles: Would you still remember me?/ Well I must be traveling on now/ There's too many places I've got to see/ And if I stay here with you girl/ Things just couldn't be the same/'Cause I'm as free as bird now-

In another episode, WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE, Willow and Xander stumble upon him singing "Behind Blue Eyes", the angst filled "Who" song about a disgruntled bad boy, with a difficult past seeking redemption yet not quite sure how to find it.

All season long Giles' has felt aimless, wondering why he's still in Sunnydale, yet reluctant to leave his charges. His girlfriend Olivia visits from England, but he at no point really includes her in his duties as a Watcher or in his charges' lives. When she learns what he does, she more or less flees back to England. (see HUSH, Season 4 Btvs.) He has no job. The council is no longer paying him a salary. And although he cares deeply for Willow, Xander, and Buffy, he knows he is neither their father nor any longer their librarian/watcher. His library has been blown to smithereens. He feels stuck in their lives, aimless, and wants to travel on, yet at the same time is afraid to leave. Spike picks up on these insecurities when he encounters Giles and milks them for all they're worth.

> Spike:…This deal's with the Slayer.  
>  Giles: I'll tell her.  
>  Spike: Oh, you'll tell her! Great comfort that. What makes you think she'll listen to you?  
>  Giles: Because . . . (trails off, unsure)  
>  Spike: Very convincing.  
>  Giles: I'm her Watcher.  
>  Spike: I think you're neglecting the past-tense there, Rupert. Besides, she barely listened to you when you were in charge. I've seen the way she treats you.  
>  Giles: Oh, yes? And how's that?  
>  Spike: Very much like a retired librarian.

These are the thoughts that have been roiling around in Giles brain all season long. They are also the thoughts that are still buried inside him when he has his dream in Restless.  
Giles is on the metaphorical riverboat journey with Buffy, Willow, and Xander heading into the Heart of Darkness. But Giles is the old steamboat skipper, seasoned and somewhat reluctant to go much further. He has seen the darkness, he has experienced the pain, he would like to retire and go elsewhere. Yet, he is tied to the boat at the moment by his responsibility to his charges and to his sworn duty as a 'watcher", a duty as he professed way back in NEVER KILL A BOY ON THE FIRST DATE, (Season 1, Btvs) that was not his first choice. He wanted to be in a rock band or be a fighter pilot, instead his father forced him to be a Watcher.

> Giles: I was ten years old when my father told me I was destined to be a Watcher. He was one, and his, uh, mother before him, and I was to be next.  
>  Buffy: Were you thrilled beyond all measure?  
>  Giles: No, I had very definite plans about my future. I was going to be a fighter pilot. Or possibly a grocer. Well, uh... My father gave me a very tiresome speech about, uh, responsibility and sacrifice.

Like the skipper and Willard in Apocalypse Now, Giles and Buffy were drafted. They did not choose their calling. Willow and Xander on the other hand did. This may explain the difference in the dreams and why both Giles and Buffy are aware of the first slayer in Restless, while Willow and Xander never truly are. Willow and Xander came along for the ride in somewhat the same way as the eager surfer boy, the rookie, and the intellectual did in Apocalypse Now.

In Restless, Giles' dream opens with him attempting to hypnotize a childlike Buffy. She is in pigtails and giggling at him in the scene. They are in his house, on the floor, with no furniture except one chair, which Buffy is sitting on. He is dangling a pocket watch in front of her and telling her : "You have to stop thinking. Let it wash over you." Odd thing for a watcher to tell his slayer - to stop thinking. To go with her gut. Is he telling her this or is he telling himself? Or is it simpler than that - is it that he wants to be the mind and if she starts thinking, he's not needed? He has no purpose?

> BUFFY: Don't you think it's a little old-fashioned?  
>  GILES: This is the way women and men have behaved since the beginning......before time. Now look into the light.

Men and women? Does this mean that she should let men do the thinking? Let me plan it out for you, I'm the Watcher. Otherwise I have no purpose here? And is he right, has it really always been so?

Later in Buffy vs. Dracula, (Season 5)- Giles tells Willow: "Well, it's become quite obvious that Buffy doesn't need me. I-I don't say that in a self-pitying way, I'm, I'm quite proud, actually."

He may be proud but he still wants to be needed. Could this be what is going on here - a mental struggle inside Giles? Later on in the dream - towards the end, he says to the first slayer: "I know who you are. And I can defeat you ... with my intellect. I ... can cripple you with my thoughts. Of course, you underestimate me. You couldn't know. You never had a Watcher." And that's the point really, she didn't. She could think perfectly well without him. Perhaps all he's done is hold Buffy back. Perhaps that's what he is doing now?

The next portion of the dream takes place at a carnival where there are cardboard vampires. Buffy is a little girl in a jump-suite and Olivia is pushing along a baby stroller. Giles like Xander in his dream, seems to be viewing Buffy as the child, yet as one poster pointed out - perhaps it is the reverse? Perhaps Giles is truly the child, left behind? And maybe that's what Giles' fears? Another interesting point about this scene - is Giles' advice to Buffy, it is similar to the advice he gives her in Intervention, OMWF and several other episodes: "Buffy, you have a sacred birthright to protect mankind. (Buffy turns to look at him, pouting) Don't stick out your elbow." He doesn't tell her how to think or strategize. Or how to find her inner balance. He resorts to material or physical criticism like a dance instructor: Don't stick out your elbow. It's an ironic comment coming from someone who represents the "mind". Is he really using his?

Before this comment, Giles attempts to reference a parable, but he can't quite remember it. It is about patience and a fox.

> OLIVIA: Does she always want to train this badly?  
>  GILES: Well, it appears she's never heard the fable about patience.  
>  OLIVIA: Which one is that?  
>  GILES: The, the one about the fox, and the, uh, less patient fox.

Foxes often are used to describe someone who is clever, quick-witted, or highly intelligent. "Clever as a fox." Is Giles referring to himself and Buffy = one patient fox and one less patient? Or is Giles referring to both sides of himself: Giles and Ripper?

Then when Buffy hits the cardboard vampire and he falls down, she turns to Giles expectantly, hoping for some sort of treat. Giles says there aren't any treats. Olivia chides him for this, but he insists that "it is my business. Blood of the lamb and all that." But I get the sense he's beginning to doubt this. What does blood of the lamb mean? In Christianity - it stands for Christ's blood or sacrifice of innocence for the mutual good. Could this refer to the great sacrifices Giles believes he's made all his life for his calling? After all he lost Jenny, he had to relocate to Sunnydale, give up his wants and desires, even kill for the cause. He also has to hurt Buffy, whom he loves, in Helpless (Season 3, Btvs.). Does he see Buffy as the lamb? Possibly - since the next image is Buffy with mud on her face, looking a lot like the first slayer, the primitive essence of the warrior, an image that is later echoed in Buffy's dream. I wonder if the first slayer is trying to tell Giles' something?

But before he can figure it out - Spike interrupts. Fitting that Spike shows up in Giles' dream instead of Riley. Of the two characters, Giles identifies with Spike. Spike may even represent the reckless adolescent that still resides inside Giles. Giles leaves Olivia and Buffy to follow Spike into the cavern, (representative of Giles' subconscious) where Spike proceeds to pose in front of photographers.

The poses make fun of the Vampires that Giles has spent his life hunting. Just like the cardboard vampire in the carnival, Spike is reinforcing the message that vampires aren't the true enemy anymore, they may never have been. That the world isn't painted in black and whites as it once was in childhood. And the slayer is about much more than killing a few vampires, she always has been.

Before conversing with Spike, Giles passes Olivia who is weeping and he tells her not to distract him, he has a lot to do. She is weeping next to a coffin, which is beside an overturned baby carriage. Is this foreshadowing Giles' departure? Or is it talking about how Giles has put aside children and family and a personal life, to be a Watcher and may resent it?

Now we come to Spike. I'm not sure if the scene with Spike is so much about Spike as it is about Giles. It is Giles' dream. Perhaps we should look at it from both angles.

Spike is doing lots of poses, the first three are vampire ones reminiscent of black and white vamp flicks, more campy than frightening. Almost as if Spike is posing as the Big Bad, but isn't, not really. Never has been. He's just pretending to be a villain, doing it for showbiz. All the poses and shots of Spike are in Black and White, no color. As if it isn't real, Spike isn't real, just a sideshow attraction, barely worth watching. Giles comments that he's become a sideshow freak - and in a way he has. Chipped. Harmless. Purposeless. Why is he still here? But hasn't Giles also become a sideshow freak? Purposeless. Harmless. Why is Giles still here? Sometimes black and white images can be viewed as a reflection or shadow of ourselves in dreams. Perhaps Spike is Giles' reflection? If you think back to Xander's dream - Spike is also shown in close proximity to Giles - again a reflection? This is who Giles' might have become, if he hadn't been a watcher? This is what Spike might have become if he hadn't become a vampire?

> GILES: (very confused) What am I supposed to do with all of this?  
>  SPIKE: (offscreen) You gotta make up your mind, Rupes. What are you wasting your time for? (Pose, flashbulbs)(Color: Giles turning to look at Spike again.)(B&W shot of Spike.) Haven't you figured it all out yet, with your enormous squishy frontal lobes? (Another pose, more oohs, flashbulbs)(Color: Giles walking across the crypt.)  
>  GILES: I still think Buffy should have killed you. (B&W: Spike looks annoyed. He strikes a Jesus-on-the-cross pose. Very loud oohs, cameras flashing.)

Spike in this section makes me think of Ripper or Giles' own mind speaking to him. 'You gotta make up your mind Giles - staying or going? Staying here in limbo is helping no one, we both know it. Haven't you figured out what's going on? Aren't you using your brain?' (Sort of like the scarecrow in Wizard of OZ - if I could only use my brain- everything would be so clear…) But the answer of course is obvious, Giles just doesn't want to see it - so he tells his conscience or the annoying voice to drop dead. Spike obliges with a nice crucifixion pose.

This is when the cheese/bald man appears. It's been suggested, even by the writer himself, Joss Whedon, that the cheese man means nothing, I beg to differ. In this scene the cheese man says: "I wear the cheese. It does not wear me." Which is a very Giles like statement - he can do magic but it does not define him. He can date whomever he likes, it does not define him. He defines himself. Willow must make a place in her life for her cheese or magic and/or sexuality. Xander wants to protect himself with the jobs he does and the girl he dates (cheese), setting them up as protective barriers against what lies upstairs, against who he might be deep inside. (The cheese won't protect you.) And Giles? He states clearly he can wear the cheese, take it off, it does not rule him or control him. It's an odd scene to occur right after Spike's. Almost as if Giles is reaffirming his mission in life after Spike has questioned it. "My mission does not define me, I choose to follow it, but it is not solely who I am. I am not a freakshow like you suggest, doing old parlor tricks. A retired librarian with no job, hanging on the coattails of the slayer."

Giles is now at the Bronze - a place he has never felt comfortable in. Willow and Xander are on his couch, both looking somewhat wounded. Xander is bleeding. And they are once again conducting research. Willow tells Giles that it is his fault. When I first watched this, I believed she was referring to the spell they cast in Primeval. But now - I think she is giving voice to Giles' own feelings of guilt and uncertainty, which crop up later in Bargaining Part I (Season 6, Btvs):

> GILES: I just can't help but wonder if ... she would have been better off without me. Buffy.  
>  BUFFYBOT: I don't think that's true. You were very helpful to her.  
>  GILES: (laughs) Right. Yes, I was a perfect Watcher. I did what any good Watcher would do. Got my Slayer killed in the line of duty.  
>  BUFFYBOT: Oh, that wasn't your fault.  
>  GILES: Of course not. That's how all Slayer/Watcher relationships end, isn't it?

I think he was feeling this way all along. Questioning himself, wondering if Buffy and the others would have been better off without him. If his true business isn't sacrificing them for the good of the council, the good of a war that he no longer believes in - hence the black and white vampire poses and the cardboard vampires. Is Buffy's life worth it? Are theirs?

Flashing back to Anya's joke that occurs during this. Anya is on the stage alone telling jokes, as a preview to Giles' big performance. (Yes - I know this in some ways foreshadows the events of Hells Bells, when Xander skips out on Anya and Buffy entertains the audience - but again, remember whose dream this is. Giles'.) The joke is: "Okay. A man ... walks into the office of a doctor. He's wearing on his head, um... Wait, there's, there's a, there's a duck. Is that right? And ... then the duck tells the doctor that there's a man, that's attached to my ass."(edited for length and emphasis from Psyche's Transcript of Restless (Btvs Season 4)) Giles is probably feeling a lot like the man attached to the duck or vice versa. A worthless appendage that can't do much more than quack. His former charges sit in front of him wounded and he knows he's next, but his duty is to warn Buffy, but first he wants to do his gig. Remember he wanted to be a rock star, not a watcher. He was forced into being the Watcher, a job he's never felt all that suited for.

Willow tells him that he has to focus, has to figure out what is after them. And he knows what is after them, but questions the knowledge. How many times has Giles guessed the right answer then pushed it aside? In OMWF he sings that it must be a dancing demon - then immediately casts the thought aside as impossible. He no longer trusts his intellect. Just as Xander has stopped trusting his heart. And Willow has stopped trusting her spirit. This is why Spike could break them apart in Yoko Factor and it's why the characters have made the mistakes they've made in Season 6. Xander fails Anya because he lacks the heart to go through with it. Willow gives into black magic due to a lack of spirit to control and balance it. Giles leaves because he no longer trusts his ability to guide them, he believes he led Buffy to her death. Just as he believes he failed them all in his dream. The irony is that by leaving, he puts them in more danger than if he stayed. By not guiding them, by not trusting his ability to act as a guide and losing focus - they drift into danger. As Willow states: "Rupert. (Giles turns to look at her) You've gotta focus. You must have some kind of explanation. If we don't know what we're fighting, I don't think we stand a chance." We need your guidance. And Giles responds by immediately setting them to work, taking charge and doing his gig all that the same time. Off course the overload results in feedback and he has to literally crawl through the wardrobe to untangle the wires.

Two wardrobe references in Giles' dream: "chronicles" - does this refer to the Chronicles of Narnia? Or just a coincidence? The fact that he tells Willow to look through the "Chronicles" makes me wonder; it seems to be a reference back to the end of Willow's dream. First we had Willow climb through the curtains, then Xander, now Giles is crawling through curtains, only to run into the first slayer. Unlike Willow and Xander, he immediately knows who she is. He believes he can fight her, forgetting that she is more than he is. She has to be. She can't just rely on her mind or her heart or her spirit, she has to rely on all three. Just as Willard in the Heart of Darkness had to in order to complete his journey intact. Or if you prefer, Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ has to in order to defeat the Wicked Witch and return home.

Perhaps Giles' realization of this at the tail end of his dream, explains why he gathers up the courage to try and leave in Buffy vs. Dracula, only to be dissuaded by Buffy's uncertainty about her slayer powers. And finally does leave in Season 6, first after Buffy dies and a second time after Buffy returns from the dead. Giles may believe that he is standing in the way of Buffy becoming as powerful as the first slayer. But, as his dream suggests, he is forgetting something. Willow and Xander sitting on his couch wounded. The two disciples he initiated into his and Buffy's world and like the skipper in Apocalypse Now has some responsibility for, they are under his command, not Buffy's. By leaving them - is he placing them in jeopardy? Is he responsible for what happens to Xander and Willow - like they suggest in his dream? Giles realizes this in his dream and attempts to help them. But what happens? The first slayer slices out his intellect. Is she reclaiming it for herself? Or is she echoing Giles' fears? That if he stays he will have no intellect and if he goes Xander and Willow may pay the price? His dream suggests they'll pay it regardless. They are adults after all - should he be held responsible for them all their lives? They do have parents who can do that. He is just their teacher and his staying merely holds them back.

Sometimes the best way to guide someone is simply to leave. The mother bird has to kick her babies out of the nest so they can learn how to fly. The first slayer had no watcher and apparently did very well - as is suggested in Giles' dream. In Apocalypse Now, Willard must complete his journey and fight Kurtz on his own. And in the Wizard of Oz, the Wizard must leave before Dorothy can find her way home. The same can be said of Buffy and Giles. But first Giles has to make up his mind and follow what it says, which he does more or less in Season 6 with mixed results.


	4. Part IV Buffy's Dream - Rejecting The Hands

We know what mind, heart, and spirit mean, but do we understand the meaning of Manus: the hands? First Manus - is Latin for hand. Some cultures, including our own, see the hands as a source of healing, example: laying down of the hands? Or in massage - if you press on certain points on the hand you can relieve pain. In many western religions, such as Muslim, Christianity, Judaism - hands can be interpreted as a means of uniting followers or of receiving instruction. While in Eastern philosophy such as China's Tao Te Ching - the right hand corresponds with the principle of action, the left with wisdom or non-action. In India, the left hand is associated with lunar quality of desire and emotion, the right with solar principle of action. Some yoga schools believe that each finger on the hand corresponds with a different element: thumb with fire, the forefinger with ether, the middle finger with water, the ring finger with earth, the little finger with air. An enormous amount of energy flows through our hands - energy to heal, to create, to balance, to communicate, and to transform. They are our most powerful interface with the world and with others. (Taken from The Hand as a Microcosm at http://www.sol.com/kor/12_01.htm.)

In Season 4, Btvs, it is made clear that Buffy is the Hand. She is Manus. The card with one hand open and one closed like a fist. She uses her hands to slay the demons and her hand to remove Adam's heart. But it is equally made clear that the hands cannot act alone. They need mind, spirit and heart. Without the other three - she could use them in the wrong manner. And what happens when she doesn't use her hands? When they are chopped off? Or she rejects them? Or when she forgets that hands are used to unite and heal as well as destroy? The SG puts themselves time and again into Buffy's hands. And Buffy unites them, all of them, Xander, Willow, Giles, Anya, Tara, Spike, Dawn.... Even when she was dead, they stayed united in her name. What happens when you lose the hand? Does the world enter into chaos? Isn't the hand the means of keeping the balance, of keeping order? This seemed to be the result in Bargaining, when the SG lost the Hand. Demon Bikers roamed Sunnydale and trashed the town, not a pleasant image. (See Bargaining Part I & II, Season 6, Btvs.)

Yet the Hand cannot act alone, it needs mind, heart, and spirit to guide it. All must act as one, united. In Yoko Factor after Buffy insists on attacking Adam by herself - Willow states: "Oh, great. And then when you have your new "no arms" we can all say "Gee, it's a good thing we weren't there getting in the way of that!"" If Buffy acted alone without the mind, heart, and spirit currently encompassed by her friends, she may have lost her arms or hands.

When we grow up, we have to learn how to incorporate mind and heart and spirit in ourselves. We have to sometimes act alone, independent of the group. We have to know how to depend on ourselves. Buffy has gotten used to depending on Xander's heart, Willow's moral spirit, and Giles' mind for far too long. She longs for those easy days of high school when they all met in the library and planned their attacks on the demon world. But childhood ends sooner or later and people move on and you have to learn how to incorporate some of these skills in yourself. In season 6, her friends reluctantly meet at the Magic Box to help but they clearly have lives outside of slaying. Slaying was not their sworn duty. They are not the Slayer or the Hand. They can help, provide support, but they can no longer be a major part of it. It is long past time for Buffy to learn how to handle the job on her own.

In each of their dreams, the first slayer attempts to warn Xander, Willow and even Giles that continuing on this path could lead to their deaths. Your magic won't help you, Willow. Your heart won't protect you, Xander. Your mind won't guide you, Giles. The slayer must act alone, at times between worlds; she is of the world and outside the world. If you continue to take an active role in this battle, you will be destroyed. You cannot hope to know the source of our power, or for that matter understand it.

Neither for that matter, does Buffy. Up until now I was convinced the theme was like that old Beatles song - all I need is a little help from my friends. Or that line Buffy sings in OMWF - "what can't we face if we're together?" Now, I'm beginning to see that some things particularly in adulthood - have to be done on one's own. The hero's journey is often a solitary one. This does not mean, however, that you can't have companions or friends traveling along the path with you, just that in the final battle - you are alone. You are making the journey. Just as Willard in Apocalypse Now must go on alone to confront Kurtz. At the end of his journey, his companions are no longer with him. The final part of the journey is his alone.

But being alone and abandoned is what Buffy fears most. It is what she has always feared. And it plays a central role in her dream. In Fear Itself - her mother assures her: "I will *always* be here for you. And you got Mr. Giles and your friends. Believe me, there is nothing to be afraid of."(Season 4, btvs) But the little fear demon warns her: "They're all going to abandon you, you know." This explains why Buffy reacts the way she does. Her dream like those of the other three Scoobies, centers on what she said in Yoko Factor: "So . . . I guess I'm starting to understand why there's no ancient prophecy about a Chosen One . . and her friends."

**Buffy's Dream - Rejecting the Hands**

Buffy's dream starts in her dorm room not the Summer's House. It's interesting that both Willow and Buffy start out in the dorm. It is also interesting that none of Buffy's close friends: Giles, Willow or Xander really appear in her dream. Anya is her dorm roommate not Willow. She is facing Willow's bed, but Anya is the occupant. In the first scene Anya is trying to wake Buffy up.

> ANYA: (whispers) Buffy, you have to wake up right away!  
>  BUFFY: I'm not really in charge of these things. (Closes eyes)

This is the first time Buffy rejects the advice of a guide in her dream. She rejects it by denying responsibility even for something as simple as waking up. I'm not in control she says. Leave me alone. An attitude that reminds me of this season - from Afterlife through Normal Again - Buffy has been acting like someone else is in charge. It's as if Season 5's take-charge attitude did her in. She had to take charge of Dawn, handle Dawn not being real but a key, protect Dawn, deal with her mother's death, help Riley, fight the Knights, handle Spike's sudden devotion to her and somehow use it to her advantage, keep the peace between the SG, and save the world again, this time by sacrificing her life for her sister. Buffy thought she was done. Finished. She was at peace. In heaven. Until her friends tore her back to their reality. Woke her up. (Bargaining Part II and Afterlife, Season 6 Btvs. ) It's not the first time they did it either - way back in Prophecy Girl (Season 1 Btvs), Xander brought her back to life after the Master killed her. (She was supposed to have died then, that had been the Prophecy.) So it's understandable that her first response is to ignore Anya and go back to sleep. But the first slayer won't let her - when Buffy rolls onto her back she sees its face snarling down at her.

The scene then shifts to Buffy's room, but it's not her room, it's the room Buffy and Faith were in during Faith's dream in This Year's Girl (Season 4, Btvs). It's Joyce's den. And Buffy is lying in the same bed she made with Faith in Faith's dream.

> (Cut to Buffy standing in the doorway of the bedroom, looking at the bed.)  
>  BUFFY: Faith and I just made that bed. (Shot of the bed, still rumpled but now without Buffy in it.)  
>  TARA: (offscreen) For who?  
>  BUFFY: I thought you were here to tell me.  
>  BUFFY: (looking back at bed) The guys aren't here, are they? We were gonna hang out (looks at Tara) and, watch movies t-  
>  TARA: You lost them.  
>  BUFFY: No. (Looks confused) No. I think they need me to find them.

Once again Tara is used as a guide. Buffy and Willow's dreams parallel one another: Willow's starts in her bedroom with Tara while Buffy's starts in her dorm room. Tara asks both girls if they know who they are and what's to come and appears to try to warn them about what lies ahead. In both dreams Tara seems almost ghostlike, like a spirit that is outside the action of the dream, unaffected by it. In Willow's dream Tara asks about their cat and shouldn't they give the cat a name. In Buffy's dream Tara asks whom they made the bed for. Both Willow and Buffy think Tara will provide the answers but she just provides more questions. The other parallel is with Xander - Xander is also looking for his friends in his dream, Joyce informs him that they've left, just as Tara informs Buffy that she has lost them. The difference is that Xander is afraid of being left behind, Buffy is afraid of losing them. What does Spike say to her in Smashed (Season 6 Btvs.)? "Poor little lost girl, got no one to love?" And what happens in Normal Again? (The following occurs in the asylum reality - the world with Buffy's parents and the safe hospital. Buffy appears to be hallucinating this reality due to a demon toxin that she has been poisoned with. The Doctor is discussing what keeps dragging Buffy back to the world of Sunnydale, which the Doctor considers the false reality.)

> DOCTOR: Yes ... but I'm talking about those things you want there. What keeps you going back.  
>  BUFFY: My friends.  
>  DOCTOR: That's right. Last summer, when you had a momentary awakening, it was them that pulled you back in.

She can't lose them. She is desperately afraid of losing them. Someone asked why Buffy has kept her current relationship with Spike a secret from her friends - and I think this is the key. Fear of losing them. Fear of being rejected. Of being abandoned. Of being the "poor little lost girl". So if she's lost them, she needs to find them, it's what she believes is her mission. Finding her friends. But is it? Really?

> BUFFY: (upset) It's so late.  
>  TARA: Oh ... that clock's completely wrong. Here. (Shot of Tara's hands holding out the Tarot card "Manus" (the hands). It has a picture of two hands crossed, one open, the other balled into a fist.)  
>  BUFFY: I'm never gonna use those.  
>  TARA: You think you know ... what's to come ... what you are. You haven't even begun.(Shot of the bed, now neatly made.)  
>  BUFFY: I think I need to go find the others.(She leaves.)  
>  TARA (softly) Be back before dawn.

Tara tries to tell Buffy that finding her friends isn't what's really important here. What's important - is "the hands." What Buffy is. Just as what was important in Willow dream was what Willow really is. But Buffy rejects the Hands. Buffy's more worried about the time and finding her friends - both items that Tara dismisses as unimportant, handing her the Manus card instead. (Which may actually be the key to finding her friends, if Buffy would only take it. After all the closed fist and open hand symbolize uniting that which is within with that which is without. The interior world with the exterior world.) "I'm never gonna use those," Buffy says instead. It's the first time Buffy rejects the hands - the slayer. She does it at least twice more in her dream. Just as Xander circles three times back to his basement, avoiding the stairs, and Willow has people mention how she is still in costume at least three times, before it is finally ripped off. In response to Buffy's statement, Tara says the same line that is later echoed by Dracula: "You think you know ... what you are ... what's to come. You haven't even begun." (This line is stated at least twice in Restless. It is important to remember what is repeated in each dream. Xander: "that's not the way out." Willow: "again these are just my clothes, not a costume".)

Buffy may not pay attention to Tara in Restless, but she does pay attention to Dracula. It scares her that she doesn't understand what she is. The hunger that Dracula senses inside her worries her. Even though she fights him off and tells him it doesn't matter and he doesn't know her at all, she still asks Giles to help her figure it out at the very end of B vs. D episode. (Which is why Giles decides to stay in Season 5 and not return to England as originally planned.) It's also important to note that at the end of Buffy vs. Dracula, Dawn shows up, similar timeline to Tara's statement: Be Back Before Dawn. Somehow the two are connected. That's not the end of this theme, "you think you know who you are, what's to come…", which is explored sporadically through Season 5. In Fool For Love, Buffy consults Spike, the killer of two slayers and as close an expert as she has on slayers and vampires. In a dark take on the Giles/Buffy training study session, Spike instructs Buffy on the relationship between Slayers and Vamps. And at one point he even tells her that she's asking the wrong questions, just as the First Slayer states towards the end of her dream. "Ask the right questions. You want to know how I beat 'em? The question isn't 'How'd I win?'. The question is 'Why'd they lose?'" But Buffy is afraid to ask the right questions, she's afraid of what the slayer is, afraid to let it define her as she believes it defined Faith. (Remember what Faith said in Bad Girls : "Hey, slaying's what we were built for. If you're not enjoying it, you're doing something wrong." And that was not long before Faith killed a man without remorse. Buffy is terrified of becoming Faith.)

> FIRST SLAYER: You're afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity.  
>  BUFFY: Does it?  
>  FIRST SLAYER: You are full of love. You love with all of your soul. It's brighter than the fire ... blinding. That's why you pull away from it.  
>  BUFFY: (surprised) I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?  
>  FIRST SLAYER: Only if you reject it. Love is pain, and the Slayer forges strength from pain. Love ... give ... forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. It will bring you to your gift.

And what is Buffy's gift? Death - according to the first slayer and Spike. Again they echo each other: "Death is your art, you make it with your hands day after day …" and the First Slayer: "Death is your gift." That may be what scares Buffy the most. And it may also be what is causing her to miss the point. Rejecting who she is - rejecting who we are - closes us off to those who love us. Isn't that what has happened in Season 6? Buffy is rejecting her calling and herself, and as a result she has become closed off from her friends, from emotion, from love. What did she tell her mother all the way back in Fear Itself? "I don't know. - I'm starting to feel like there is a pattern here. - Open your heart to someone, and he bails on you. Maybe it's easier to just not let anyone in."(Season 4 Btvs.) But it's more than just a fear of abandonment - it's also self-hatred. Buffy has rejected herself on a deep subconscious level. ("I came back wrong. I am wrong," she tells Tara in Dead Things. ) If you can't love and respect yourself, how can you love or respect anyone else? How can you be the slayer? The Hand? End of digression - Back to Buffy's dream.

In the next segment of the dream she is back at Sunnydale High and she is asking people if they have seen her friends. "Have you seen my friends? They wouldn't just disappear?" Along the way she passes her mother who is living in the walls of the school. This whole portion of her dream may be a metaphor for the journey between adolescence to adulthood. The part about her mother living behind the wall = rebellion? You block off the parent figure who's been pestering you, by encasing them behind a wall, leaving a hole big enough for their face to peek through occasionally. I don't want to deal with you any more, you're no longer necessary, so I will conveniently block you out. And in a sense that is what Buffy has done to her Mother all along. In the beginning of Restless, before the gang goes to sleep, Joyce mentions how this is the first time she's met Riley. Buffy has been dating and sleeping with Riley all year long and this is the first time Joyce met him? Her mother lives in the same town. All during high school Buffy has put Mom someplace convenient where she can locate her whenever she wants to. (Hence the fact her mother is behind a wall in Buffy's high school.) "I'll always be here for you," her mother tells her in Normal Again, "you'll always have me," she says in Fear Itself. And in a sense that's true - inside Buffy there's a place her mother will always reside. (Although I hope it's the world of the asylum and not the walls of Sunnydale high.) In the dream Buffy eventually leaves her mother and the world of high school to locate her friends, believing them to be in trouble. She does the same thing in Normal Again - she leaves the world of her parents and childhood to be with her friends.

The next segment of the dream - she follows someone who looks like Xander up the stairs. This makes sense, in Season 5 and most of Season 6 - Xander appears to be ahead of her on the road to adulthood. Upstairs is clearly adulthood, or the next stage after high school. When she climbs the stairs, Buffy exits the sunny world of high school to the darker world of Riley and the Initiative, the first stage of her adulthood. The world is no longer black and white with Mommy nearby and the bright sunny halls of high school. The villains are no longer just demons, but possibly the government, possibly even your boyfriend.

> RILEY: We're drawing up a plan for world domination. The key element? Coffeemakers that think  
>  BUFFY: World domination? I-is that a good?  
>  RILEY: Baby, we're the government.(He swings around in his chair to strike a James Bond-like pose. The camera shoots him from below, through the glass tabletop. On the table we see a handgun.) It's what we do.

A world where people carry guns and the lines between right and wrong are not so clearly drawn. A world where high school nerds could actually be worse than the demons you fought in high school. Riley strikes a James Bond pose, wears clothes similar to the ones in As You Were and talks about gadgets and his new leadership role in the government. The room goes dark. And the other guy…who had been Adam speaks to Buffy.

> OTHER GUY: She's uncomfortable with certain concepts. It's understandable. Aggression is a natural human tendency. Though you and me come by it another way.(Shot of Buffy with the dark-haired creature behind her.)  
>  BUFFY: We're not demons.  
>  OTHER GUY: Is that a fact?

She is uncomfortable with the concept that humans can be aggressive, evil. In high school - it even took her by surprise. As she states in Gingerbread when two kids appear to be killed by a cult (Season 3, Btvs): "Someone with a soul did this?" How can that be? So is it surprising that the idea that she could be related to demons is so shocking to her? Demons = evil, remember? That is the child's view. It doesn't help that Riley calls her "killer". Remember Riley shares a similar black and white view: (New Moon Rising - Season 4 Btvs.)

> BUFFY: You sounded like Mr. Initiative. Demons bad, people good.  
>  RILEY: Something wrong with that theorem?

I think this segment of the dream explains perfectly why Buffy and Riley could never work. In it, the sirens go off, Riley and Adam attempt to build a "fort" with pillows to protect themselves and Buffy states she has weapons. When she opens her bag to pull them out - she paints her face with mud instead, the face of the slayer. The demon?

> RILEY: Thought you were looking for your friends. Okay, killer...if that's the way you want it. I guess you're on your own.

This action is repeated in Dracula and Into the Woods- he accuses her of transferring her interest in Angel to Dracula, in Into the Woods - he accuses her of shutting him out, not caring about him. He never once calls her "killer" except in her dream. But I think that's what she hears when he talks to her, that's what she fears he is thinking. It's not really his fault that he can't grasp her struggle. As Adam puts it, Riley comes by the aggression differently and has never really understood the mystical world. He still separates things into logical black and white boxes like a solider.

Before we leave Riley, I'd like to address the metaphor of Riley and Adam sitting at opposite sides of the table. And of course the gun. The gun is easy - it represents human aggression, which is just as deadly and horrible as demon aggression, as the Scooby gang is about to discover. Up until Season 6, Btvs has purposefully tried to avoid guns. Only Angel really had them. Why? As Jane Espenson pointed out in her discussion of Angel - Btvs took place in the adolescent world of high school, guns really have little or no place there.(Rahael's post on Ats DVD). In Buffy's dream, we see the gun clearly displayed right after the comment about how they plan to achieve world domination. The means aren't really important, just the aggressive, take no prisoners desire behind it. Adam and Riley - the monster and the man? Or are they both? Adam also symbolizes the first man - when she asks what his name was - he replies, before Adam not a man amongst us can tell. I wonder if Buffy's lineage dates back before Adam? The demons clearly do. At any rate, Riley leaves and Buffy continues on her journey alone. (Once again we only have Riley - no Spike. Which makes me wonder if they've combined the two? Possibly Adam = Spike? At any rate Riley/Spike leave and Buffy moves on alone.)

Finally Buffy reaches the desert and is disappointed not to see her friends, for she still believes this is the whole point of her journey, to locate her friends. Instead Tara reappears along with the first slayer. Tara speaks for the first slayer in the dream.

> BUFFY: Why do you follow me?(The woman shakes her head.)  
>  TARA: (offscreen) I don't.  
>  BUFFY: Where are my friends?(Shot of the woman backing away from Buffy, still crouching down low.)  
>  TARA: (offscreen) You're asking the wrong questions.

Tara keeps trying to tell her that it's not about her friends. But Buffy can't hear her. Finally Tara tells her what it is about, who Buffy is, who the slayer is: "I have no speech. No name. I live in the action of death, the blood cry, the penetrating wound. I am destruction. Absolute ... alone." I am the Hands. I am a part of you that you cannot quench. The part that you cannot, should not share with your friends.

> (Shot of Buffy's hand, holding a bunch of Tarot-shaped cards. In the one on top we see a scene of Giles, Buffy, Willow, and Xander in Joyce's living room watching TV)  
>  BUFFY: I am not alone  
>  TARA: The Slayer does not walk in this world.  
>  BUFFY: I walk. I talk. I shop, I sneeze. I'm gonna be a fireman when the floods roll back. There's trees in the desert since you moved out. Now give me back my friends.  
>  FIRST SLAYER: No ... friends! Just the kill. We ... are ... alone!  
>  (The bald guy leans in between Buffy and the First Slayer, holding up two slices of cheese. He grins and shakes the cheese at Buffy, then retreats offscreen.)  
>  BUFFY: That's it. I'm waking up.

Wow - denial much? Buffy isn't listening. Are we? The first slayer is trying to tell Buffy that when it comes to slaying - they are alone. When it comes to the vocation - it is theirs alone. The first slayer incorporates mind, heart, soul and hands. Buffy was strongest in Primeval when all four joined inside her. Just as she was strongest against Glory in the Gift when all four joined inside her. The difference? In the Gift, she did it alone, on that tower with Dawn. The four elements were clearly there - she did not require her friends to provide them. Her moral spirit outshone Willow's, her heart outshone Xander's, her mind outshone Giles'. She did it alone with the hammer with Glory. She made the decision to include Spike, to forgive him and treat him as a man even though he had tried to kill her repeatedly in the past, knowing he understood and would protect Dawn with his life if necessary. (In that way her heart and spirit outshone her friends.) She made the decision against the advice of her friends. At the end of Season 5, Buffy moved past them on to another plane. In Season 6, Bargaining Part I & II, they brought her back down to theirs. Out of time. Out of place. Back to their world. And somehow she's lost what she is, what the slayer is. She's lost the use of her hands. Rejected them as wrong, just as she rejects herself over and over again this year. Just as she rejects the hands over and over again in her dream. The cheese man tries to give her two pieces of cheese held in his right and left hands - and she says - "I'm waking up now." (The second time in her dream that she's rejected the hands.) Her hands are the source of her power, a power that can unite, exact justice, slay evil and heal. Instead she pummels the wrong people and does the wrong tasks - whether that is beating up Spike or churning the double meat. The Slayer tells her that her friends can't be in on the kill. She tells Buffy's friends the same thing. If they continue to follow her - they will do so at the peril of their own hearts, spirits and heads. Instead of listening to the slayer, Buffy screams for her friends. Demands they continue to act together. She rejects what she learned when she leapt from the Tower at the end of Season 5 and in doing so, has rejected the power of her hands. Hence all the images of chopped off hands this year.

The final image in Buffy's dream is Buffy on the floor, once again ignoring and rejecting the first slayer. The Slayer is trying to tell Buffy what she is. But Buffy pushes it aside, returning to her friends on the couch, and effectively breaking the slayer's spell over them all. Everything seems fine again. Or so we think. But is it? Now awake, Buffy goes upstairs and visits her Mom's den and looks at the naked mattress. In the voice over, we hear Tara say: "you think you know what you are…what's to come…you haven't even begun." The first slayer is reiterating her warning.

Buffy needs to deal with who and what she is. To let go of the old childhood dreams. To embrace the slayer. To take up her arms and move onto the next stage, even if that means leaving Xander and Willow behind. (Giles already left.) Sometimes when we grow up - we have to change the nature of our old high school or childhood relationships, and if we can't? Move on without them. The next stage of our journey sometimes has to be alone.


End file.
